I woke up early. I did not want to get up but I did convincing myself that I would feel even worse staying in bed.
I forced myself to dress, go downstairs, make a cup of coffee, drink some water and sit by the fire for a few minutes. This routine is how I start most of my days and have for years.
This is my comfortable “rut”.
I am struggling.
My son’s wife is terminally ill. They have a toddler. Grief is a faucet dripping water on my head all day long. I worry. I mourn. I fret. I try but I can’t find a solution, a way out, an answer. I’m the parent. It’s my job to solve this, to take care of my children.
Brief interlude
This morning, rather than listening to the news, I opted for Pandora’s classical relaxation station. When I listen to a station on Pandora, I never know what songs I will hear. I hit the jackpot today with three selections that Pandora aired.
First was Fur Elise. I loved learning to play this on the piano. I felt a direct connection with Beethoven. Playing his music was so much more intimate that listening to it. When I was learning to play Fur Elise I bought two copies of the sheet music. One for notations such as fingering. The other was to keep clean and just have on the piano.
Second was Canon in D Major by Pachelbel. I worked hard to learn this lovely piece. I practiced for months before I played it at a recital. On recital day, I opened the music to see that my friend Mary had stapled a note to the front wishing me good luck. The note is still attached.
Third was the theme from Mozart’s Piano Concerto #21 also known as the theme from the movie Elvira Madigan. It is a sad and sweet story of doomed love in the 1850’s in Denmark. It is based real life events.
Invisible Hand
Hearing these three beautiful pieces of music was random, a result of the programming at Pandora. There was no “invisible hand” at work. Yet, hearing them in a row transported me to a place of happier times. I was back in my living room playing the piano.
Troubles and sadness were so far away.
Lori Greer in Portland 
I carry u in thoughts and prayers…💔
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You have a lot of people thinking about you. You’ll work through it. I like that you were able to grab a few moments of something resembling peace and contentment with your music.
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Oh Lori, though we have never met and have yet to chat we are indeed kindred spirits. As I read you I have just come downstairs 30 minutes ago and am drinking my coffee in front of the fire listening to the messiah . This is also
Where I start my days . Also my happy rut ( what a perfect name!)
This is Day # 30 with my husband in hospital . His cancer has returned and though his life has been spared by a long and complicated surgery there is still a ways to go and so many uncertainties.
I have been reading of your daughter in law and my heart goes out to you . You are right in finding the litttle moments of peace wherever and whenever you can .
Stay strong and enjoy the happy bits.
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Dear Jude.
Forgive me for my delayed response. My days are often not my own. I am sorry to learn about your husband. Such a long stay in the hospital. I know how draining that can be and yet also contain precious moments. I wish him a complete recovery and you strength and peace as you travel on this journey with him.
My daughter in law just finished another round of radiation and is feeling better. Her adorable toddler keeps her and my son very busy. Her antics provide a lot of joy and some comedic relief at times.
Ah life is tough, isn’t it.
Your sharing your situation with me means a lot. It helps to know we are not alone. Be well, Lori
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If I can, I send blessings of strength your way.
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Dear Lori. How I wish you had the Peace, and Promise of God during this time. Music when it is pure can indeed minister to the human heart and soul. My prayer is that you and your family will find their way to a surrender to a reality of what God can do IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. Peace! Hope! Love Faye.
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I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this is but I am glad you were able to have a short break no matter how brief
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Lori, you can’t “solve this.” You can love and support, breathe with them and when the time comes mourn with them… but you can’t make it go away. Ease up on yourself. Respect the importance of what you can do — your sheer loving presence — and be at peace with that, because it is huge. Care for yourself, as well as for everyone else…
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