Do these make my butt look big?

I am sitting in the mall food court licking my wounds while dining on a small, naked (no dressing)  salad and black coffee.  

As Sgt. Joe Friday would say, “Just the facts, ma’am”.

It started innocently enough…as these things often do.

I went to Nordstrom at Washington Square to get a new pair of jeans.

Here is the scene of the crime.


Notice the cold, clinical setting where the three way mirror reflected without mercy my mostly naked body.

Even though I work out, watch my diet, etc…you know the drill… buying jeans is not easy unless one’s age is the same as the size of the jeans.

Only running naked through the mall can be more humiliating than trying on jeans.

Let me say:  I never want to know my waist or hip size in inches!  What happened to even numbers like 6, 8, 10?

Also, I want my jeans to cover my front and derriere… no super low rise for me but no mom jeans either. A mid-rise will do nicely,thank you.

With apologies to Bill Cunningham…  

No, I don’t want distressed jeans…I have old pairs that fit that bill in the back of my closet. I don’t get it…paying and, sometimes paying a lot, for “distressed”  jeans”?

I have a favorite pair of old, comfortable jeans that I wear at home.  Their rips and frayed edges make them distressed, but I would be the one truly distressed wearing them in public!

I’m just not with it! Maybe I need  to practice wearing them with aplomb.

You  know, a “je ne sais quoi ” and a flip of my hair.

This Bill Cunningham fashion video might help me.

Back to the crime scene &  just the facts…

The perky, upbeat slip of a salesgirl brought “my size” in a number of jeans for me to try. She brought jeans with straight legs, cropped legs, some that were so tight I worried that I could not extract my body from the denim vise.  Then were colors, washes, pockets, and even one with buttons instead of a front zipper.

After discovering that my size was  actually three sizes up!! from the where we started, I found some jeans that fit. Actually, the correct size might have been four sizes up. Then again, denim stretches and I could get them on.  So that means that they fit, right?

But, by then, I was exhausted and not having fun.  I just wanted to go home.  So, I left the jeans and skulked out of the dressing room avoiding the bewildered gaze of Miss Perky Salesperson.

I knew that I would have to return at a later date and start over, but I didn’t care.

Later I did return and  bought a found a pair that worked thanks to spandex!    Actually, I am glad that I waited as these jeans are perfect for my figure.

Fast forward & a glutton for punishment…

A few days later, I found myself going to a sample sale in Los Angeles.  The sale was in a warehouse with boxes and racks of discounted jeans.

As my friend is a size 2, she headed to the  other side of the big room.  Later, when I looked for her, I could not find her and thought perhaps she had gone outside.

Just as I pulled out my phone to call her, I realized that she was there and I could not find her because she was just one of many thin, gorgeous girls with long hair…all probably a size 2… trying on jeans!

No, I didn’t feel self-conscious realizing that I was holding down the other end of the bell-shaped curve. No, not at all. I mean I really love the song  “All About that Bass”.

Take a moment to watch this fun video:  Meghan Trainor – All About That Bass – YouTube

No Officer…

No, I wasn’t bothered.  I mean I subscribe to the healthy self-image manifesto.   What do you mean, “I am protesting too much?”

No, I don’t want to press charges.  Really, it’s okay.

Time for another damn salad…





39 thoughts on “Do these make my butt look big?

  1. Lol don’t let it get to you jeans sizes vary hugely even within the same brand, style, fit. I was in the lucky store trying on jeans one fit perfectly the other same size, fit, style just a different wash refused to go past my hips 😖 I was like what?!@#

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is hysterical! I’m rolling on the floor laughing.
    If you really want to feel good about trying on jeans in a store, take me with you next time. I have a friend who hates to shop unless I’m with her. I don’t provide any practical advice, but the comparison between her figure and mine – it’s priceless. You’ll be taking home an entire wardrobe of jeans.
    I’m still trying to get up off the floor – d–n pants too tight – oof.


  3. What is really annoying is when I go into a high street clothes store and choose a shirt labelled XXL, try it on and even before I get my arms into it realise it is far too small! Does this make me XXXL? Well, not according to my current shirt which is actually XXL. I rest my case. Boo to high street stores!


  4. The only thing worse than shopping for jeans is getting weighed at a Doctor’s visit. What!!!! I couldn’t possibly weigh that much. It must be the clothes.


  5. look I’ve always hated buying cloths
    Especially what you have to pay
    I’ve been buying my cloths for the longest time at the thrift store
    Because my waist size changes like the weather
    I do understand how sometimes cloths shopping can be frustrating
    As always Sheldon

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Lori.In my closet are about 6 pair of jeans all in various sizes. I swear no two sizes are the same. In my garage is a plastic tub of jeans that no longer fit me. My ass didn’t get bigger, the jeans grew too small for my ass.
    But seriously, there’s nuthin’ more humiliating than trying on bathing suits. Especially with store lighting illuminating every flawed part of your body and the jiggly bits.
    Now about the ripped jeans and Bill Cunningham. I love him. I also feel that wearing jeans, whether ripped, distressed or whatever to a formal affair is disrespectful..don’t even get me started on Anna Wintour who managed to turn Vogue into the National Inquirer of fashun……


  7. I agree with you Lori. Jeans shopping is exhausting. I had the similar experience at Nordstrom when I was shopping for jeans. I told the sales rep I just want 1 good jeans in my size. lol…go figure. Thanks for sharing it was a good read! 🙂


  8. Thank you this…… was very funny and easy to imagine. Because I am tall and have been all my life from age 15 it was presumed by jean-makers I would probably be very big as well. Years of having extra long legs (above average) so often meant the jeans came half way up the shin yet fit brilliantly on the waist. Or they fitted and covered all the long, long legs but two of me could fit the waist. Those days are long gone. Thank God I have a doctor who monitors health, heart, weight etc. Her considered opinion is that I need to dress to be comfortable and hopefully live longer and happier. I now can’t go by numbers but choose L. I know it is for LARGE…….But golly by the time you get to be in your 70’s it so wonderful to still be travelling onwards with enthusiasm. Have a great day!


  9. Ugh and oye…trying on jeans. I’m in de-fluffing mode right now and it’s so hard for me since my world revolves around food adventures. Then there are the workouts I’ve been going to with my Silver Sneakers bonus. I can join a gym with my monthly medicare supplement fee. There I am in zumba and fitness classes in front of a wall of mirrors and double the size of anyone else in the room. I keep saying to myself keep going, keep cutting down and soon that image in the mirror will be smaller. Thanks for listening. I bet you look real cute in your jeans!


  10. this struggle is to real…THIS IS WHY I HATE TO SHOP
    I do as Sheldon if I go out and shop at all..but thrift stores is the way for me…or hand me downs….I have plenty of distressed jeans as I worked to put those holes in them to think that is style now …I will wear them ..This reminds me when we get back to our home I so have to redo my closet since when I am on Lupus medication I gain weight but as soon as I stop it I loose it so I have to have a pretty open closet on clothes… I have no idea on what the heck they did with the size of clothes today it will be forever a mystery …….
    Your post had me laughing gurl….cry and laugh as I can relate to it all…


  11. I hate to shop for jeans…I can’t find them long enough, or they are too low cut which shows my butt crack every time I bend over, or too big around the waist while the thighs can hardly breath….on and on. If I can escape it and make do with my same old pair of jeans at home that I love, I will. I dread the day they wear out…!


  12. Oh yea…..I lost two of my favorite pairs of jeans recently due to my lack of thigh gap. Once the hole is created, there is no good solution. And that kind of distress in my jeans is just a little ‘too far out there’ for me to pull off. 😉


  13. I enjoyed your anecdote, although it made me a little uncomfortable at times since it’s rather close to my own situation. (I’m now working on trying to reduce the amount of space I take up around the middle.)

    Your post did make me begin thinking about how many pairs of distressed jeans there are out there in the world and whether anything can be done to help them. Whenever I see the pitiful little things with all their rips and tears, I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and just want to help in some way. Perhaps volunteers could distribute patches to the needier cases or (cheaper option) plastic garbage bags.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I put on quite a bit of weight a while ago and then had a gall bladder issue and lost it all dramatically. After surgery (last October,) it’s starting to creep on again! Like my food too much… Always been a skinny framed girl with a very rounded tummy! But now I’m getting older its starting to creep into other areas..


  15. Great piece. It’s good to be able to laugh at the things that we and a great deal of the world think are important. It really doesn’t matter what other people think as long as we are happy with ourselves. From a very old but not overweight man who incidentally, works hard at staying at 150 pounds..

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I feel your pain! I also HATE trying on clothes especially jeans. I gave up dieting and beating myself up for my expanding waist sometime ago. Once I can stay at a comfortable size 12 it’s ok with me.


  17. I went through a horrible and stressful 40’s, where my Mom even gave me a freaking case of Slim Fast! I finally got my friends to walk at lunch, dropped the carbs and even my cholesterol went down from a high overall 260. I still don’t fit what I think I should so I start with high numbers, less upsetting to go downwards, Lori! I do sympathize with the mirror. For me, it was a recent dress shopping that had me near tears. My legs just look horrible in any length dress except long to the ground. Haha 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I am in love with this post and your writing style….just fantastic!!!! How did I not see this sooner….I will back after work to read more…thanks for sharing such a relatable story–and for sharing your gift for wonderful writing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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