The Devil and Me

The devil is one of my oldest companions.

When I was a lazy child my Mother would scold me,

“The devil finds work for idle hands!”

So, I dutifully skulked off to my room or anywhere out of her sight.

Or, I found something to do. 

20170722_085501
“Figure with Bouquet”, August 1939, Henri Matisse (French 1869-1954)

The Road to Hell

We all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Yet, here I am, in spite of to-do lists and the best of intentions, sitting around.

The light seems to have gone out of my life. *

I am in a play.  I respond to people.  I hear through a fog.

I try to be somewhat normal.

I don’t  want to alarm people.  I don’t want to be a “downer” on the conversation.

So, I take a deep breath and give each day, each hour my best shot.

It is exhausting.

Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief refers to a grief reaction that occurs before an impending loss. Typically, the impending loss is a death of someone close due to illness but it can also be experienced by dying individuals themselves. Wikipedia

 

Each day I force myself to do things that help me cope with feelings of despair and helplessness.

~Make my bed.

~Shower & get dressed.

~Take walks.

~Connect with others usually by email or sending a letter.

~Work.

~Take on-line classes.

~Clean closets, sort belongings.

The devil does not find me idle.

He sees me moving slowly.

He hears me sighing often.

Grief in the Wings

I fight to keep despair in the closet.

I fight to keep my head above water.

My son, his sick wife and their baby need me.

Giving into grief seems indulgent.

Grief will have to wait.

*A Special Hell

 

 

 

 

19 thoughts on “The Devil and Me

  1. You and your family are going through a very hard time, but together you will cope. Keeping busy with these mundane jobs may seem like just going through the motions, but this is one way of getting through it, rather than sliding into the luxury of depression. You have your son and his family to think of and it’s so good that you’re there for them. I admire how strong you are being for them.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Lori, what you’re going through is unimaginable, and your feelings are legitimate. I don’t believe in the devil, literally or symbolically, but I understand giving in to overwhelming sorrow. Being with friends and family as much as possible may help. And it’s OK to cry, even to scream.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes grief can’t wait Lori. A little like a sponge there comes a point when no more can be absorbed, then comes overspill. Your son and his wife will be feeling their own despair but you’re trying to cope with it all, and we all handle things different ways. Don’t hide it, you’re human and need an outlet if you’re not going to make yourself ill.
    Don’t try to be normal, the situation isn’t. Most people will be happy to listen and not find you’re putting a downer on things. Please try and look after yourself too, you matter.
    xxx Gigantic Hugs xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Just don’t block Lori. Find someone you can speak with, whether family or, even preferably, a councilor so you can speak what you are really feeling. You will be in a much better place to help those close to you if you have been able to process your feelings out loud to someone. It is the holding in that causes the problems, they are unprocessed emotions and the dam will burst. That in itself is great, but not at the cost of you.
    You can be there for others much better if you be there for you first. Even if it is only to express what you have felt as you have gone through the different stages of what has happened.
    Much love and healing to you all Lori, in heart and mind. Take care ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lori…An inner strength will surely carry you through these debilitating circumstances. The only positive choice is to stay strong for your family and those who so love and need you. Be assured that even the friends in cyberspace who you have not yet met are pulling for you all.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. In troubled times like this it is probably best for you to try and catch yourself anticipating or remembering future or past times and focus on what is happening to and around you right now. I’m sure you have more than enough to handle each hour without spending energy on yet unrealised futures and permanently passed pasts.

    Far easier said than done of course! 😉

    Besides Matisse what (who) else do you find uplifting and inspirational?

    Does your ‘busy’ include a lot of that/them? – It probably should – right? 🙂

    When the devil wants to do battle with you it’s advisable to have a shield and armour handy and get a stronger soldier than him to fight along side you. No-one expects you to fight this fight on your own you know? Show him you have powerful friends who are more than willing and able to help, that you are not isolated, nor a pushover.

    It is always ok to ask for help if you feel you need it. Your true friends would be upset if you did not, just as you would were a situation reversed.

    There may be times when it does not seem to be the case but there is as much positivity as negativity in this world/life. Seek to find the positive that neutralises the negative.

    love

    Liked by 2 people

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